Latest Blog:
jeopardy03/29/06
I just took an online test for Jeopardy. There is nothing that will make you feel dumber than doing that. They are doing that test again, tomorrow, at 11pm I think, at jeopardy.com. You can sign up and do that thing. The test blows, though. It was like I was stuck inside a box of Trivial Pursuit.
Nothing will make you feel worse than trying to do a trivia thing and having sports questions come up. I mean, seriously, come on, you guys. I don't know who decided that I have to know who played baseball sixty years ago, but they are a dick. I was asthmatic as a child (or maybe I could never breathe because I lived in a house with chain smokers???) and I never did sports. I never did them at all.
Sports, when I think about sports, or I look at them, I'm not offended by them. I don't think sports fans are dumb for liking sports. I just think you have to be involved with them at a certain age to "get" them. It's like punk music, you have to hear it and like it before you're fifteen, or sixteen, maybe. I don't get sports. Sports trivia just seems like homoerotic D&D to me. And televised sports seem like homoerotic LARPing.
Perhaps sports and LARPing are mutually exclusive. If you like sports, you have probably never been exposed to the horror that is "Live Action Role Playing". If you like larping you most probably do not enjoy sports in any way. I saw people larping once and it was like watching the drama club meet at Denny's. It was just a bad scene to me.
If you don't know what larping is or you can't envision it, I will give you the key to the domain of larp: Try this google image search and it will tell you a lot about larping. Except imagine those guys running around in the parking garage of a university with all their capes and everything on, yelling, "OBFUSCATE!!! I OBFUSCATED! I'M INVISIBLE NOW! I'M ALSO A MALKAVIAN! MALKAVIANS ARE VIOLENT AND LOVE DENNY'S!!!!!!"
So I have to confess that the only reason I took the jeopardy test is because of the remote chance that I would be able to draw pictures on the little blue screen on jeopardy. That is all I was thinking about the whole time. I was trying to think hard about good answers for jeopardy, but I was also thinking, "What would I draw on the blue screen. What does the pen look like."
"Would they get mad if I put a cuss on the blue screen."
Potent Scrotables03/26/06
I am going to put a lot of pictures in here. What do you think about that I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT THAT.
- - - - - MULTIMEDIA BLOG TIME BEGINS HERE - - - - -
(Here is a picture of my dogs in the studio.) If you like looking at pictures of dogs you can compare and contrast that with this photo from January 2005 when we got Charles and a synthesizer. They didn't come from the same place, but then, what does?
Wait, everything actually does come from the same place. That place is called China.
Did you know that the dogs' page got updated tonight, you can visit that by clicking on the link to the left. There are more pictures of the dogs over there. And some writing about the dog. I guess you can click here to see it if you don't want to move your mouse over.
If you are thinking at this point that I am obsessed with small dogs, well, I don't know. I don't think I am. I like how mine basically walk around in the house and do weird crap all day long. Sometimes they go upstairs and knock things over and it's totally exciting, because it makes you think: Was that something cheap (a clipboard), something dangerous (a space heater, face down), or maybe something expensive (LAPTOP COMPUTER YOU GOD DAMN DOGS GET IN THE BASEMENT.) Occasionally we go to pug dog social events, in part because the dogs love doing that, and in part because they are bizarre subcultural events. I am kind of a weird dude but it's no big deal at a pug get-together because I don't have five pugs and a pug license plate.
So, before I got too involved with doing half of our new site Married To The Sea I did a few collages. You can look at them here. If you were on the old mailing list (GUYS THE MAILING LIST HAS BEEN REPLACED BY THIS BLOG, WELCOME TO 2006) you may have seen one or more of these before. But not everyone was on the mailing list. So here you go:
COLLAGES
---------
1. people jumping
2. wheelchair dogs
3. haircuts
4. french fries
5. hey
I am going to get off this thing and go listen to some raps. I just got a turntable that actually works, and it's one of those that you can adjust the pitch on, so I have been putting on records and turning the speed down all the way. It just sounds awesome. I wish I could play all my music 8% slower than it was recorded.
I wish I could hear everything 8% slower than it really sounds, as a matter of fact.
bacne03/21/06
Okay. I hope this does not embarrass you too much but I got some bacne the other day. That is acne that forms on your back. It makes me so mad. I only got four of them, but still. I was totally fine for, I don't know, maybe ten years? No acne at all, no bacne at all, everything going okay, then I change up my food a little bit and start taking some extra vitamins and BAM! I got the bacne.
Here I am in the basement on the computer and I got some bacne, and they kind of hurt when I lean back in my chair, except now I can lean back in my chair and nobody has anything to say to me about leaning back. I am going to lean back in my chair and the dog is going to snore and that is going to be it. That is the advantage of being an adult. No scolding, no bacne. Being an adult rules. BAM! I'm a god damn adult and I'm going to lean back in my chair because it is extremely comfortable. Well, it was comfortable before I got four bacne, at least.
Emeril by the way I do not mean to take your thing, the bam thing, but really, it's not your thing. It was around before you started saying it. I hate the band that is on your show. I don't even like watching your show. I am sure you are a nice person but I just get sad sometimes when I think about your show and how the Emeril spring mix at the grocery is always crushed and limp and wet.
The other day I accidentally turned the TV on to the Emeril show and I instantly got irritated. Before I could turn it off, he had duplicated some viewer's recipe which amounted to pouring melted chocolate into a premade pie crust, and putting marshmallows on top. Emeril that is not something you teach people to make. That is something that your coworker brings to work.
In real life, what would have happened is that the bass player from Emeril's band would say EMERIL! I MADE YOU A SMORES PIE! and he would be like, "Oh, that's cool, why don't you, uh... Why don't you set that on the table in the break room and everyone can have some!" Then Emeril would go into the break room at 4:30 and see that the whole thing is still there and carefully cut out about 80% of the pie and put it in the trash, with some papers on top so nobody would see it.
The bass player would come back in a half hour and think, "Oh sweet, people liked the pie! And there is a piece left! I'm taking that piece home to eat! I am having smores pie for dinner." It would work out perfectly. Everyone would be happy. Because the pie would be rock-hard and inedible just like the one Emeril made, except nobody would have seven cameras filming them trying to eat it.
Do you know what though. The truth of all of this is that if you set a smores pie down at work, it will be gone before the pan hits the table. People at work will eat anything. They just seriously don't care. If it is free and on a table, that's it. Case closed.
You may or may not know this, but I am from southern ohio, where things like smores pie are considered a delicacy. To illustrate this point: One summer I went to a pool party at a friend's house, with the implication that his mom was some kind of professional-level cook. Several people agreed that his mom's cooking was rad. I was totally stoked because, I mean, how often do you get to eat good food if you are a kid. Not very often.
So I guess we swam around in the quintessential Southern Ohio Above-Ground Pool for a while and then his mom came out. Oh, hell yes. Oh, yesssssss. The glass door slid open and his mom stepped out into the yard with some sort of dish held ceremoniously at eye level, with oven mitts on each hand. I didn't have my glasses on but as a bearded sixteen-year-old my hunger gave me laser vision. Yessssss. This is going to be so awesome.
His mom set the dish down on the table as we rushed over the ladder. I slammed my glasses on my face. (BAM! GLASSES TIME!!!!) She peeled back the foil to reveal.......... frito pie.
(Here is a recipe for frito pie if you have not heard of it before.)
Also before I close this can I mention that I have, my whole life, had the compulsion to break the side out of an above-ground pool to see the water gush out of it. I have never done it and I have had this vivid image in my head for as long as I can remember. It has nothing to do with the above incident. I ate the damn frito pie, after all. I am from ohio. I will eat anything. And then I will get bacne from it.
computer03/18/06
The computer has been sold to someone. They paid me fast and were friendly. A+A+A+ WOULD SELL A COMPUTER ON MY BLOG AGAIN.
